Foothill Safe After Armed Potato Robbery

FoothillAn official source with Broccoli PD has released a statement declaring the Foothill area “all clear” after reports of an armed robbery involving a potato peeler. The suspect, a 5’2” human dressed in brown overalls and a black beanie, was reportedly seen wandering around the premises just minutes after police received a call from a Foothill resident that the suspect had approached at peeler-point and demanded that they hand over their phone and wallet. The student, a first-year potato, quickly complied and called Broccoli PD once the suspect had fled.

After a thorough search of the surrounding areas, students were once again allowed to enter the residence halls and the lockdown was lifted. Though no one was harmed, this marks the third potato-targeted crime this month alone, apparently as a result of recent anti-Spud rhetoric in the right-leaf media.

“It’s really disturbing hearing about these kinds of things happening right next to campus,” remarked Kara Green, a student living in Foothill, “especially with all of the recent hateful fliers and graffiti I’ve seen around. And while the police did everything to make us feel safe, it is bothersome that there is no way of nipping these kinds of issues preemptively.”

Despite all of this there is still doubt among some students that the recent events are connected. A human student, who chose to remain anonymous, told us that he thinks tensions in the past months have simply “uprooted some deep issues of paranoia.” When asked why the suspect was wielding a potato peeler specifically, the student replied, “these times are tough on everyone, we can’t all afford knives like we used to.”

As rifts over campus policy and social issues continue to grow on campus the candidates for the upcoming election are no doubt feeling the pressure to develop and hold firm on their stances. Campus PD would like to remind students to remain safe during the upcoming weeks, and to contact them with any signs of danger.

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