State Suspends Cafe Durant’s Fertilizer License



Popular student watering hole Cafe Durant lost their fertilizer license Wednesday following investigations by the California Department of Fertilized Beverage Control. Investigations were launched against the establishment this week after undercover police officers discovered the cafe served MiracleGro to several minors last Friday. “We’re not just talking one or two offenders here,” claims Broccoli PD chief Russell Sprout, “An entire group of 10 minors were caught with fake identification in Friday’s bust. Some of these kids looked so young, you could practically call them sprouts.”

“I’ve managed this restaurant since 2004,” cried an exasperated Rodrigo Cortez, “and this is the first time anything like this has ever happened.” Cortez, a cabbage, went on to describe Cafe Durant’s extensive identification verification process, which includes checking and double checking. “We even bought one of those fancy gizmos that scans the ID cards. We try so hard to follow the state’s rules. All I want is to serve great food and fertilizer to legal adults.”

Students at UC Broccoli tell a different story, however. Mohamed Mansour, a third year transplant student at Hass School of Avocados, was unsurprised by the news. “This has been a long time coming. Everyone knows Cafe D is super lax with fake IDs… it’s a shame that all the places around campus are being busted, but nobody around here is that shocked.”

Indeed, Cafe Durant is only the latest in a slew of license fertilizer-related shut-downs in the UC Broccoli area, including the beloved Remy’s Mexican Restaurant.

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