We’ve all felt it in the Spring air. Deep in our chlorophyll and khaki pants, we’re always looking for new ways to spread our seed, metaphorically or otherwise. Asbudding students, our eyes are peeled for fine young celery we can smear with peanut butter, and over the course of your years here you will undoubtedly believe one of these follow archetypes will be the one!
- That zesty Zucchini in your American Cultivation class.
It’s your AC class, ugh. You’ve got to get it out of the way sometime though, right? But wait, who is that slender hunk of green you see as you walk into class? With those organic curves, shiny skin, and slight discoloration (what kind of mysterious things could they be up to in their free time?) you find yourself instantly stalk over heels.
You’ll sit as close as you can, wear that extra nice fertilizer spray your grandma bought you from Nordstrom, and try to make some small talk, but in the end you’ll realize the only thing you’ve managed to cultivate is an awkward tension and the overwhelming scent of cow manure. Well done! There’s always next semester.
- The human in your Yoga class
You might not even have arms, why did you think taking this class would be a good idea? And at 8 AM nonetheless! Regardless, you’re here now for better or worse. All of a sudden you see them between your leaves as you painfully extend into a Downward Facing Dill. Skin coated in sweat, hair looking quite…hairy, you instantly imagine your future together.
The two of you will travel the world, visiting exotic farms and eventually raising some little ones on a remote estate in North Dakota, surrounded by the lush landscapes of….and you slip and fall. Are they laughing at you? Yep. But did you ruin your shot? Definitely.
Did they also leave after class with their partner? Oh yeah, baby. While immediate hope is underneath fate’s cruel heel, you still dream of that North Dakota estate.
3. The masked Leek you saw at a protest
It’s just like Romeo and Juliet! You can’t see their face, but you know from the glance they gave you from across the plaza that this is true love. And think about all you have in common. They clearly care about putting a stop to the incoming anti-Spud speaker, you…well…you cared enough to show up. They enjoy putting on a mask to hide their identity, you enjoy putting up emotional barriers to hide your true feelings. It was meant to be!
It seems like nothing could stop the love you feel for this mysterious masked hero at this point, not even if they…wait what are they doing with that barrier? WAIT WAIT. NO! I NEEDED TO GET MY PACKAGE TOMORROW YOU MONSTER!
…masks are childish anyways.
- The shallot on Tinder who is a software engineer
You’re only on Tinder as a joke anyway, right? You don’t even care if you don’t get matches, it’s just a stupid game where we’re all trying to h…YOU GOT A MATCH! You quickly tab through their pictures — a cute but slender shallot with a brain to back it up, a software engineer, WOW! Software engineering, here at Broccoli? They must really be a unique individual!
Despite the mundane nature of their profession, you could see it working out. Living together in a nice loft in the city, biking around on those cool bikes with the curved handles, drinking straight espresso imported from Costa Rica. Then you get a message. Your heart races as you open it.
“Send roots? ;;)))”
You were right, Tinder is pretty dumb.
In the end things may not always have worked out like you imagined. Does that mean you’re going to give up? NO! Does that mean that there is no hope for you of ever finding love, and that you’ll die alone in a compost bin once again becoming one with the earth? Well, I mean no promises but chill out on the Tumblr, okay? Everything is going to be ok, even if you don’t find that one true love in your time here at UC Broccoli. While you’re here though enjoy the ride and keep your eyes open for that bright sun who really makes you feel synthesized!