Austin is a second year broccoli studying rhetoric and a proud member of Salsa Feta, the leading philanthropic fraternity on campus where he has served as president for the past semester. Hands on experience dealing with issues that affect large groups has given him fast-paced decision making skills that will be necessary as the campus becomes more and more reactive to current events in the country.
A pressing issue that has plagued our campus has been the excessive use of air conditioning, drying out many students and creating uncomfortable conditions for learning. Austin would take funding from meal halls, places of rampant inhumane action, and put it towards installing misters in classrooms to ensure that all vegetables are properly hydrated in the classroom.
With the finishing of Moffitt library, many vegetables have complained that humans spend too much time browsing Facebook and not studying, an issue that vegetables do not encounter as they don’t have faces. To counter this misuse of space, Austin would have staff present to monitor when humans are wasting their time in the library, and promptly remove them from the library.
Randall Haverford, of the Pennsylvania Haverfords, is a third year cucumber studying Classics. As an intern in Chad Winterbottom’s senate office this year, Randall has fought hard for the university to allocate more seeds to the Leek system. Randall is a brother at Gamma Kappa, where he also serves as social chair. As for the senate, his goals are fairly straightforward. “We have too many bad vibes at this school, man. We all need to cool down and chill out. Let’s make college awesome again.”
Increased seeds to the Leek system. Leek Life is where true brotherhood and sisterhood happens on campus, so the university should really be helping us succeed. When we get more funding to the Leek system, things are gonna be wild.
Sunbathing stations around campus. Who doesn’t love a good bask in the afternoon sun on a weekday? Instead of pandering to the needs of a tiny human minority, let’s make this campus welcoming for the most people.
Sameena is a senior eggplant studying political science. With an extensive background in the workings of governments and student organizations, having pushed important bills in the past in favor of vegetables across campus. She is most known for her part in the Reduction of Shading Act, which removed many building overhangs campus wide in order to create more sunlight for plant students.
Her goals this semester include further spending cuts on dining halls to promote the humane treatment of other food groups and removal of cushioned seats, which only serve to benefit human students, in order to increase space and reduce waitlists in classes.
Cornelia is a second year endive in the college of eggplant rearing. As an eggplant engineering and carrot science major, she is often the only above-ground vegetable in her classes. “Thank god I have my sisters in Phi Gamma Epsilon to keep me sane. I have literally no friends in my major. It’s not acceptable that the university ignores the struggle of vegetables like me.” Her goals are thus:
Support for above-ground vegetables studying Carrot Science. Cornelia hopes to create an association of above-ground vegetables in carrot science and other engineering fields. She hopes that by strengthening this community, she can encourage more above-ground vegetables to declare engineering majors.
A mobile app that lets students know about social events around campus. According to Cornelia, students have a hard time keeping track of all the fun events on campus, and it should be the university’s job to make that information accessible. She advocates for the creation of a social mobile app that will do just that.
Peyton is a first year rutabaga studying political science. As an intern in the office of Madison Figueroa this year, Peyton has learned the ropes of the campus political system and is ready to make his mark. His goals include:
The prompt removal of 50% of the trees on campus. “What are we, Leland Shrub Jr. University? Trees have no place on the UC Broccoli campus, and do nothing but produce useless oxygen. I suppose some students (humans) need that oxygen, but surely we can restrict the campus wooded area to meet the needs of the many.”
A streamlined room reservation system. As long as anyone can remember, reserving rooms on campus for clubs and organizations has been a serious struggle. Peyton will lobby for a new website that brings the room reservation system into the twenty first century.