Dear Student,

School officials and UCPD are warning all students and staff to be especially careful when walking through Sprout Plaza this week. There have been a number of reports of uncomfortable eye contact, unwarranted yelling and confrontation, and even being followed all the way to class by humans and vegetables alike that may or may not be associated with the campus.

If you are approached by any of these individuals, UCPD suggests that you remain calm and put headphones in. Vegetable students are advised not to root themselves as per their evolutionary instincts and instead to continue to class.

In the case that the perpetrator refuses to leave you alone, you should pretend your next class is in the closest building, which will likely be Dwinelle Hall. Eyewitnesses have reported that the perpetrators will return to their crime dens if their victim seeks shelter in a classroom. As such, police officers will be handing out maps of Dwinelle on the Plaza for the next week.

A revised map of Dwinelle (seen above) has been prepared for students to ease confusion with the layout of the building.

There have been no reports of stolen property, though almost all victims claim to have lost an enormous amount of patience with the campus political scene.

If you have any ideas that may lead to the reduction of such crimes, please contact UCPD.

P.S. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

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